Too Much of a Good Thing
by Scribblery
Summary: Alternate Title - Why Erza Scarlet and Kagami Taiga Should Never Meet, Much Less Go on a Date
1. Chapter 1

**AN - i have no other excuses for this fic except… it's being written for a friend (who's also here on ffnet - you know who you are).**

 **originally posted on tumblr, cross-posted here for convenience since the length spun way out of control.**

 **WARNING - if you're not allergic to crack pairings of unimaginably cracky proportions, amateurish writing, constantly changing POVs and also constantly changing writing styles, you're safe to proceed.**

* * *

 _Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell_ , thought a certain Kagami Taiga, as he drummed his fingers impatiently on the table top.

Decked in one of his fancier shirts, the redhead was sitting at one of the outdoor tables of Magi Grill & Bar, feeling out-of-place at the upscale restaurant and dreading the events that were soon to come.

This was all Tatsuya's fault.

Tatsuya, who had a fit of worry that Taiga would "die alone with only a basketball for company", and who had arranged for him to attend a blind date with a girl, despite all of Taiga's outbursts that dying alone with only a basketball for company was _not bad at all_. Tatsuya, who had pointedly shoved aside the many black shirts hanging neatly in Taiga's closet, and who had stuffed Taiga into one of the more formal outfits he had found folded away in one of Taiga's rarely-opened drawers.

Tatsuya, who had shepherded Taiga to this very seat, and who had taken off with a maddeningly benign smile on his poker face, despite Taiga's many protests.

Unconsciously shaking his right leg beneath the table, Taiga slouched further into the rickety seat, tugging once again at the collar of his checkered dress-shirt. Though he had left the top two buttons undone, it was warm out, and the shirt was sticking uncomfortably to his skin.

 _Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell._

It wasn't that Taiga wasn't interested in dating. It was just that at this point in time, he wanted to focus all his time and energy on basketball. Dating someone would distract him from his goal of becoming the best basketball player in Japan.

Also, he wasn't very good with girls, and he'd be damned if he made another girl cry again.

Taiga sighed, wishing that he was in one of his favourite loose black T-shirts, playing basketball right now.

Still, he was already here, and it wouldn't be fair to the girl if he were to take off without meeting her first.

Sighing again, Taiga gave his surroundings another cursory glance, looking for the girl who "has red hair, just like you. She should be easy to spot when she arrives."

 _Damn Tatsuya to the pits of hell_.

At least they served cheeseburgers here.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Taiga, the redhead he was looking for was merely a few blocks down the street, unceremoniously shoving passers-by out of the way in her haste to get to the agreed location.

Erza was late to her blind date.

It didn't matter that she had to stop to get rid of a rampaging goblin on her way here - her lateness was unacceptable behaviour. She would have to properly apologise to her date when she arrived.

Picking up her pace, Erza internally cursed at herself once more.

She was disappointed at herself. The date was meant to be a refreshing change from Jellal, whose absence had been such a heavy weight on her mind lately. Though she hadn't mentioned him to anyone, her inner turmoil must have shown on her face, for Gray had, in a rare display of perceptiveness, offered to set her up with a friend of a friend he knew just so she could take her mind off the blue-haired man. Erza had been secretly looking forward to the date, even going so far as to get Lucy to pick out her dress again. It was a yellow cotton sundress this time - light, a little bit flirty and most importantly, perfect for the warm weather.

Erza shook her head roughly to clear her thoughts.

This was no time to brood. She had to find her date, even if he didn't want to see her anymore.

At the very least, she had to apologise to him for her reprehensible actions.

She frowned, trying to recall the features of the man she was supposed to meet. The only thing she knew about her date was that he had "I dunno, uh, reddish hair, and weird eyebrows. Oh, and he talks a bit like flame-br - uh, Natsu, I mean."

Erza's frown deepened.

Gray was never good with providing accurate descriptions, and that would not be helpful when discussing future battle tactics.

She would have to remedy that when she got back from her date.

If she can find her date, anyway.

* * *

"Oi! Er… Erza, right?"

The sound of her name being called from afar made Erza stop abruptly in her tracks.

Caught off-guard, she whipped her head around, only to realise that not only had been unable to recognise her date, she had unknowingly walked past him, and the restaurant they were supposed to meet at.

Erza mentally kicked herself.

This blunder, when coupled with her failure to reach the agreed location on time, was not just unacceptable - it was downright deplorable.

She strode briskly to her apparent date, giving him a brief once-over. He was indeed sporting a head of red hair, though the shade of red looked about a few tones darker than hers. Regardless, such a hair colour was unusual in these parts of town, and she dazedly wondered how she had not noticed him previously.

"Yo - erm, hey – " the crimson-haired youth began as she reached his table, but Erza wasted no time in interrupting his greeting.

"I must apologise for my lateness. I should not have made my date wait," she announced in clear, clipped tones. "That was rude and a gross mistake on my part, so please hit me."

With that, she sunk into a 90-degree bow, and braced herself for the impact.

* * *

 _What the hell_ were the only words that came to Taiga's mind when Erza Scarlet suddenly cut off his words. He was even more taken aback when she suddenly bowed 90 degrees in front of him - _what the heck, even Momoi or Coach don't do that, what is wrong with this girl?!_

At a loss for what to do, he decided to just play it safe.

"Er - it's fine, I didn't wait very long – "

"I insist!"

"No - it wouldn't be right for me to hit a girl – "

The glare she gave him at his words made Taiga take a step back involuntarily.

"Just do it. Please."

Taiga knew he shouldn't hit girls, but he strangely felt like hitting this girl now.

Hell, even she was giving him permission.

Right eyebrow twitching and the scowl he was trying his best to keep off his face returning in full force, he resisted the urge to smack her silly, settling instead for a light tap on the crown of her head.

"There. I've hit you," he growled. "Happy now?"

"If that's the price you think I should pay for my misdeeds," Erza announced, as she straightened herself, "then I guess it'll have to do," she finished firmly, with a tiny nod at him.

Taiga stared blankly at her, at a loss for words.

 _What the hell._


	2. Chapter 2

**AN – thanks to** **CrystallineDragonDemoness** **and** **assassins-fairy-basketball** **for writing me beautiful reviews that this fic does not deserve (and also special thanks to** **assassins-fairy-basketball** **'s review** **for reminding me that this fic exists).**

 **i have an issue, in that i started this fic having no clue as to how this fic was going to go (except downwards). so i currently really have no clue as to how to continue this fic.**

 **still, i figured that it might be easier for me to write (and update) in small chunks so i can take breathers between each scene. much apologies to those who are expecting updates of epic lengths and story/character developments!**

* * *

An awkward pause ensued as both redheads stared at each other. Taiga was completely out of his element, while Erza had clammed up when she finally realised how odd her behaviour must have been to the boy in front of her.

It then occurred to Erza that she should try to rescue the situation, since she had caused it in the first place.

"Let's take a seat first, shall we?" she asked apologetically, a faint blush rising up her cheeks.

"Yeah," Taiga nodded, but there was a hint of wariness still lingering in his eyes.

The two pulled up their chairs mutely, gazes fixed on each other in a manner not unlike two fighters sizing up their opponents before a match. Erza was beginning to regret the date. What was supposed to be a casual outing was all coming to pieces, and it was all her fault. Maybe she just wasn't suited for romance, after all.

When it seemed like the silence was going to last for an eternity, salvation arrived in the form of the waiter, who came bearing with him menus. The redheads accepted them almost eagerly, thankful that they had an excuse not to make conversation.

After the both of them had, much to the chagrin of their attending waiter, spent an unnaturally long time perusing their menus with more concentration than was probably necessary, Erza finally decided to take the initiative to dispel the silence.

"I'll have a steak, please," she said, snapping her menu shut.

"Er, give me 15 cheeseburgers." Taiga added, handing his own menu back to the waiter. He turned back to face his date, only to see a look of undisguised shock on her face.

"15 cheeseburgers?"

"Uh, yeah, that's about half of what I usually eat," Taiga shrugged, as though the information he had just divulged was of no big deal. "I'll order more once I'm done."

"That's too many cheeseburgers!" Erza frowned in disapproval, quite forgetting that she was on a date, and that this wasn't Natsu or Gray she was dealing with. "No, you have to supplement your diet with something healthier."

With that, she made a move to signal the waiter for the menu again, completely ignoring Taiga's thunderstruck expression.

"Hah? Who are you to tell me what not to eat?" the crimson-haired boy exclaimed in outrage. He grabbed onto Erza's hand roughly in an attempt to get her to put it down. "I'm having my cheeseburgers, no matter what you say," he growled, split eyebrows knitted together threateningly.

Erza's own eyebrows snapped together, unused to having such a direct challenge to her authority. "No. Someone has to teach you proper eating habits for your own good," she fired back, returning his menacing gaze with one of her own. "Now let me go."

"Not until you let me eat what I want," snarled Taiga, incensed, flabbergasted at the audacity of the girl in front of him. Not only did she come late and make him hit her against his will, she was now trying to dictate what he should and should not eat? Screw this – Taiga wasn't going to deal with this shit, even if it was from a girl.

In an attempt to intimidate her further, he jammed his face further into her personal space, unaware that Erza naturally wasn't one to back down from such a fight.

"Is this a challenge?" the scarlet-haired girl asked coolly, brown eyes flashing dangerously. "If you want a fight, you've got one."

"You're on," the crimson-haired boy countered, blood boiling in his veins at the expectation of a face-off, "You and me, at the basketball court. Now."

"No. If you want to fight me, we'll do it on my terms. Magic, and nothing else."

"Magic? I don't – "

"Uhm," interjected a voice next to them. It was the waiter, balancing two trays on his hands and peering at them hesitantly over round-rimmed glasses. "One medium-rare steak, and 15 cheeseburgers?"

Embarrassed, the two redheads returned to their seats, muttering their apologies to the waiter. Their attentions off each other, Taiga chose instead to direct his mutinous glare to the lone flower on the table, while Erza tried her best to restrain herself from bowing fervently to the waiter in apology, lest she spook him even further.

"Let's just eat," offered the crimson-haired boy, once their food was served.

It was an unspoken olive-branch, and Erza accepted it gratefully.

"Good idea."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN - thank you** **grither55** **and** **atojima** **for your kind reviews! i'm back here to disappoint you guys whoo!**

 **i don't really have much to say about this that wasn't already said before, in that this** **chapter (1) is disjointed because i like throwing in multiple POVs in the same chapter like the inexperienced writer i am (2) features a possible bastardisation of both characters' personalities and (3) is an overall mess because it was never meant to be otherwise.**

 **also i didn't mean to end it on what seems like a cliff-hanger - i can assure you that the following part (if it ever comes) is nothing amazing.**

* * *

It was midway through his fifth burger and one quarter through Erza's steak when Taiga decided to ask the question that had been burning in his mind.

(Not that the question had detracted from his slight disgust at the horrible quality of the cheeseburgers - while the cheese on the patties were gooey enough, the patties themselves were a bit too over-grilled and tough. Plus, have they even heard of a knife, because it seemed like the chefs had just thrown in whole onions instead of slicing them up and distributing them evenly on the patties.)

"So, uh, you mentioned magic? You can do magic?"

"Yes?" replied Erza, an eyebrow raised in confusion. She frowned slightly. Wasn't Taiga a mage too? Her mind whirred into overdrive at this piece of new information. Immediately recalling her conversation with Gray, she realised that Gray had made no mention of Taiga's occupation. Instead, she had, herself, unilaterally made the assumption that he was a fellow mage.

Just like her actions earlier that day, this was Nothing Short of Reprehensible Conduct, and Erza mentally kicked herself once again.

"Like, card tricks? Misdirection and… stuff?" Taiga didn't know much about how card tricks worked, beyond what Kuroko had told him while he was explaining how his style of basketball worked. Even now, he still wasn't really sure of the specifics or the theory, and didn't care much about them so long as the skill itself worked on the court.

"No, although I do know someone who utilises card magic," Erza explained, a hint of pride in her voice as an image of a grinning Cana flashed in her mind's eye. "Mine's a different branch of magic."

Without further ado, she proceeded to summon one of her many swords in her inventory, pride swelling within her as she instantaneously felt the familiar weight of one of her many longswords settling in her practiced grip.

"I practice re-equip magic," she announced, unable to stop a satisfied smile from forming on her lips.

* * *

Of all the reactions she was expecting, what Erza didn't expect was for Taiga to almost fall off his chair in shock at the sight of her weapon.

"What the hell was that?" the crimson-haired boy exclaimed, leaping to his feet with a horrified expression on his face.

"Magic!" replied Erza defensively. "You asked for an explanation of my magic, and I gave you one!"

"I didn't – how did you – " stammered Taiga, before trailing off when words failed him.

He couldn't quite believe what he had just seen. That was definitely not an ordinary card trick. Hell, the way the sword had appeared out of thin air like that – that was definitely some really high-level misdirection at work. He'd have to ask Kuroko about it, Taiga thought dazedly.

It then struck him that this girl was holding not just any regular item, but she was wielding a sword.

A _very long_ , and _very shiny_ sword.

What's more, the crazy redhead was brandishing the very long, and very shiny sword _directly at his face_.

At this sudden realisation, logic yielded to instinct and sense of self-preservation. With reflexes and agility honed by years of basketball training, Taiga instinctively backed away, stumbling over his chair in his haste to _not die_.

"Are you insane?" he spluttered, voice cracking slightly. Taiga wasn't even going to find out whether the sword was real or a prop because geez, that thing looked like it could kill either way. Plus, even though he didn't know the actual laws governing the possession of swords, Taiga was sure that randomly waving an unsheathed sword around was illegal in Japan - and if it isn't, it _should be_ _goddamnit_. "Do you want us to get arrested? Put that sword away now!" he yelled, gaze fixed on the weapon.

Erza stared at the boy in increasing bewilderment, her trusty titanium Heart Kreuz longsword still in hand.

This boy was _strange_ , she thought, mystified. Even if he weren't a mage, his reaction to her re-equip magic was too over-the-top, and frankly, rather offensive. Although mages only represented approximately one-tenth of the entire human population on Earth Land, magic and its use was so ubiquitous that the non-magical human populace should already be accustomed to it.

Therefore, Taiga was either in the minority of those unaware of magic, or… he was merely looking for reasons to belittle her powers.

The balance of probabilities, thought Erza, her eyes narrowing dangerously, definitely tilted towards the latter explanation.

"Do you," she stated icily, fixing her coolest gaze on him, "have a problem with my magic?" she asked, rising from her seat and gazing imperiously at the crimson-haired boy.


End file.
